Tears streamed down my eyes as I read the email that Monday morning. It spoke truth. It had been good for me to share feelings for I had stuffed for far too long. True, too, that I was realizing thoughts and beliefs that needed to be brought into the light and the truth of Life in Messiah.
“I feel like I’m falling apart” was the only answer I could give to my director when she greeted me as I walked into the crisis pregnancy center that day. There was no reply. In the board room I read the email once more. Tears again. No one came near. Misery.
There are times when, in our pain, we think we know what we need. Sometimes we seek out the solution for ourselves. We may get a temporary solution, nothing permanent. I have found it is in times like this that, though it may be difficult, it is best to wait.
As I sat there in my heartache, a listening ear did eventually come in. She was sympathetic and sat with me. We talked at some length and it was good to get my feelings out in the open, to have someone to talk through my issues with. But, God had something else in mind for me that day.
At her scheduled time, another advocate came in. “Can I pray for you? May I hold your hand?”
She began by praising God; I just put my head on the table. At first, I didn’t do anything, but soon, I began to pray, silently, the words to a chorus, “Jesus, Jesus, Lord to me, Master, Savior, Prince of Peace, Ruler of my heart today, Jesus Lord to me.” She kept praying for me. My silent prayer became, “Lord, I want to do this your way, I don’t want my way.” I soon heard my friend saying, “She is surrendering to You God, she wants to do it Your way.” Unbelievable!
Without warning, she began to cry. Hard. Then suddenly, I began to cry. Hard. I was crying one of those cries that is so hard that you utter guttural sounds……really, really hard. And I knew that Jesus understood my pain. I had the sense that Jesus understood the hurt of the rejection and of how the things I had mentioned previously felt. I cannot now speak as to what these things were, because I do not remember what they were. Jesus has taken them away.
For His Name’s Sake